If you are a creative genius than you know you can not authentically create above the level of the experience you are in. You can create from the experience itself, yet these creations are part of the journey, they aren’t an entire picture of the situation, rather a glimpse into a moment. I am making effort to reconcile with the past. I relish living in emptiness and surrounded by people who are celebrating life and who contribute to wellness together, and better humanity.
One of the largest things for me to reconcile with is my body.
Having a disability is a difficult thing that affects me every single day and some days are worse than others. I am shifting from coping to living to thriving (my plan) with the accident I endured in 2015, as well as its effects on my life. I am used to being always well and in good health, so when my body offers me less than what I am used to it is devastating to me and I am aware now that I want to disconnect from this suffering and deny it. It is a difficult journey that is teaching me to have better grasp of my body and my mind. The body sometimes is filled with extra energy that feels like an endless tank of fuel and then lasts for only a short period of time. Other times I am unable to get out of the apartment and need to only stay in bed, or on the phone with my husband and alone, due to overwhelm. These things are now only part of the reconciliation process, I almost don’t want to share about it, yet I know that this is valuable to people and I know that my work changes lives and helps therefore I need to be more transparent about my experiences. All times I have to make commitments to my discipline and remind myself that practice is strength, meditation is medicine and that they work well for me all the time.
- Here are some Ontario resources on the topic
- Videos of Canadians who have suffered brain injury and their journeys [33:40 min]
- Book by a Tibetan teacher (like me) who overcame a brain injury with help of Buddhism
While I have some time now to delve into the body and its needs, I am sensitive and aware that unlike other people I need more support and care to do the things that I did all alone in the past. Finances are a large part of the issues, I am grateful for Canadian disability, yet it is still an amount of money below poverty level, so I continue to rely on the sales of my book, clients I have as well as sponsorships. I only welcome the support of buddhist community and yoga community, due to their education and way of thinking. Since I am unwilling in many ways to face the disability and I am fighting it, it makes it somewhat difficult for people to relate with me about it. 😉
Most people just follow what I am doing, meaning they either don’t know I am disabled (best choice), or when I tell people I am disabled, they don’t really take it in, because I am the one who does not let them take it in. Few others, make a great big deal out of it. Very few people had an appropriate response of compassion, concern and curiosity.
In the process I have learned that there are responses and ways and energies that I am more open towards than others.
- Genuine compassion and not pity are very welcomed, it allows me then to be myself and not a super hero.
- Curiosity and sensitivity around the subject (and my reactivity to it) are also very welcomed when they come from a space of genuine care, vs invasive poking at me (as I feel some people do, ha ha ha ha)
- Praying for my wellness and long life are of value to me, as I have aged a lot in the last 3 years since the accident. Now I am on a whole new kick for youth and looking like I am 35 not 40.
- Supporting my work – I am completely capable to teach and work and do things and I trust in time with more stability I will be more fluid to changes
- Increased sensitivity is important to acknowledge (It probably should be first) because people who genuinely care about me, know how to be real and not to provoke me into very strong negative emotions, which I can not handle at all.
- Not Mental Illness – Ha! this must be the worst, when I tell uneducated people that I have some neurological pain and they make an assumption that I have a mental illness, is the worst thing that I experienced since the accident. Sadly there are uneducated, indifferent, heartless and ignorant people who do think this way, they and I do not exist in the same universe. Interestingly during the last 3 years I completely my Ph.D. and I couldn’t have done that if I was mentally ill ( ha ha ha ha) I have had more than one psychiatric assessment after the exam to be told that I am highly functioning and doing my best, and no evidence of mental illness, all this I attribute to Buddhism and meditation and practice of awareness and calm abiding. In fact the psychiatrists were very interested in what I had to share about Tibetan Buddhism, nature of mind, value of peace and ways in which everything is empty.
- People who think they are healers and who try to work on me, are scary. There are very few professionals (energy workers, coaches, mentors, teachers) who really know what they are doing in that arena. Good positive intention is important, yet with exception of less than handful of people no one has shown me they know what they are doing. Good to remember to be present with very professional and accredited people in the field.
- I am much more connected with animals now, and love even more cats and dogs and birds. I get along splendidly with them and love their presence and healing capacities. I feel like it is much easier for me to relate with animals and sense them.
- Go for science and got for research and go for education, that is the most important thing in addressing my disability and symptoms. I am very grateful or an fabulous African doctor (trained in UK) I have in Toronto who supports me.
My capacity in which I work has deepen and also changed. I am highly sensitive that I can feel so many things in the world and in my community it makes me a great intuitive and a great mentor for some people, but not for all.
The sensitivity creates a desire in me and a perpetual direction to be and live in harmony and outside of violence, aggression and hatred. I have a zero tolerance policy for that.
Recently I connected with a great film, I highly recommend called ‘Sensitive’ and I purport the scientific evidence provided in the film. It is a great strength for me that I worked as a licensed practical nurse for many years in Canada.
My health has affected my life so dramatically I need to be focused on it first while continuing to support my business of more than 10 years.
Reconciliation of all the things will happen in time. Every year things do get easier. I am putting things in perspective while making sure I participate in life and in activities with joyful diligence, equilibrium and an honest look in the present at the circumstances.
This situation is taking its own shape the more I let go into trusting in the wisdom of Buddhism and the meditation as well as the good people in my life who support me, offer sponsorship(s) and who care about my wellness, the more I allow grace and positivity to enter and make room for good things, the negative things fall away. I remember my scale of Coping to Living to Thriving.
Ha ha! I hope you continue to work with me and share in my journey. You can check out the side bar to make donations, and to sign up for coaching/mentorship/personal work with me.